


Low blow

by mixiz877



Series: Insights [11]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Episode: s09e13 The Purge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-02
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-04-29 14:01:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5130272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mixiz877/pseuds/mixiz877
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's POV in the end of Season 9, "The Purge"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Low blow

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own, I only borrow.

**Dean POV**

  
I'm pouring myself another Scotch. The bunker is home. A home I, we never had in this form. So, against my better judgement I conceded to Sam's wishes tonight. One way ticket to Peru instead of monster ganking.

Don't make me regret this, Sammy. But I had to show him I can co-operate, 'cause little brother is still mad at me. Can't blame him too much, though. Still, he would have done the same.

  
Soft footsteps make me look up. Ah, gigantor in the doorway, no surprise there. He looks weary.

  
"I'm hitting it."

  
Oh, he's talking to me unrelated to work. That's good.

  
"Yeah."

Maybe this is the moment I should seize to talk to him about my motivation because so far there hadn't been an opportunity to talk to my grudge holding baby brother.

"Hey."

  
"Yeah?"

Sam had been in the process of turning around, but he stopped and looked at me.

  
"About what you said the other day."

I stop when I see his face, which screamed I knew it at me. Sorry, Sammy, as much as you hate to talk about it, it needs to be done. You need to understand why I did what I did. Why I had to do it. So we can be brothers again.

  
"I thought it didn't bother you."

  
Newsflash, Sam. It does. I had to save my little brother. Don't you understand? I need you to understand. We're a team. I told you once before, there's no me if there is no you.

  
"You know, Sam, I saved your hide back there. And I saved your hide at that church... And the hospital. I may not think things all the way through. Okay? But what I do, I do because it's the right thing. I'd do it again."

  
Sam is still standing in the doorway, ready to bolt. But he doesn't.

  
"And that... is the problem. You think you're my savior, my brother, the hero. You swoop in, and even when you mess up, you think what you're doing is worth it because you've convinced yourself you're doing more good than bad... But you're not."

  
Are you for real? I can't help but stare at my brother, incredulous. I can't even come up with a reply, it blows my mind so much. Then he plows on.

  
"I mean, Kevin's dead, Crowley's in the wind. We're no closer to beating this angel thing. Please tell me, what is the upside of me being alive?"

  
He can't be serious. I don't shock easily, but Sam just managed to make my blood run cold. What is happening here? What happened to him? To me? To us? He's gotta be joking!

  
"You kidding me? You and me -- fighting the good fight together."

  
Sam sighs, frustration obvious in his face, like I'm an annoying little kid that keeps pestering him. I knew it, he's bolting. His back is turned to me, but then he changes his mind and comes down the steps to sit opposite of me. I lean back slightly, not sure if I want Sam in that mind-frame right in my face.

  
"Okay. Just once, be honest with me. You didn't save me for me. You did it for you."

  
I did it for me? What's that supposed to mean? I saved _his_ freaking life!

  
"What are you talkin' about?"

My confusion must be evident, even to Sam. Good. Then maybe he'll care to translate his gibberish.

  
"I was ready to die. I was ready. I should have died, but you... You didn't want to be alone, and that's what all this boils down to. You can't stand the thought of being alone."

  
Wow. That does it. He's gone mad. I get up, because I'm not sure I can sit with him without wanting to be all up in his face just for him to stab me in the back. 'Cause that's how it feels right now. I've been watching out for him all my life. Saving Sam is number one on my agenda. He's always come first. Always! And now he's using it against me. I just can't wrap my mind around this.

  
"Alright," is all that my stunned brain is able to come up with. But Sam isn't done, yet.

  
"I'll give you this much. You are certainly willing to do the sacrificing as long as you're not the one being hurt."

  
This is ridiculous.

  
"Alright, you want to be honest? If the situation were reversed and I was dying, you'd do the same thing."

I'm looking straight at him, but he doesn't meet my eyes. Sammy?

  
"No, Dean. I wouldn't."

His voice is soft, but he may as well have used a bullhorn to scream it in my ears. He's gone mad. Only he looks dead serious.

"Same circumstances...I wouldn't."

  
His eyes meet mine in a fleeting look. I feel like someone has just pulled the ground out from under my feet. I'm falling, only the anchor I always counted on keeping me safe has come loose. He wouldn't have tried to save me. Like he didn't come looking for me while I was in purgatory. What have I done to deserve this? Tell me, Sammy. Where did I go wrong? He looks up to me, offering no explanation. Then he drags himself up from the table, ready to leave.

  
"I'm gonna get to bed."

  
Low blow, Sam. Those words, not said in heated anger but in cold blood, just make Alistair's tortures in hell pale in comparison to the pain I'm feeling now.

  
Okay, suck it up, Dean. If that's the way Sam sees it, let him go to hell next time. Only, I know, I'll give my life to save his... again. Keeping him safe is my life, whether he likes it or not.


End file.
